Clinging on

Thank you to all who have contacted me - both here and elsewhere - I have responded to all I can - many have been no-reply comments so please don't feel I haven't read your words and your kindness - I have and I am really touched by it.  Really.

After a bit of encouragement I have seen my GP to help myself more - some happy pills are yet to kick in, but it takes time I'm told.

There are many of us out there - those fighting for loved ones against diseases that destroy them - if you are one, you are not alone.  Even though it feels like no-one knows it like you do, and this is probably true, there are many who are suffering too - and many who have come through the other end.  

When our first troubles began, it was like being hit by a truck - and reading literature made it worse, reading about terrible outcomes stopped me in my tracks.   Now, I am buoyed  by hearing stories of people they know who have come through very well, and I cling to those life rafts.

Can I just encourage you to let someone know you are thinking of them?  Just a simple text is all that may be needed - they are not alone, their problem is being acknowledged, another person in the world is thinking of them.  It is amazing how good it feels to receive something like that. You may be surprised how good you may feel by sending it too.

Isn't this simply beautiful?  A very clever friend made this for me awhile ago - it is so special.  

Thank you Bertie! You are a wonderful bean.

Fair Weather

Warning! Text heavy post talking about heavy stuff - 

if you want photos of pretty fabrics, come back another day please.

This is a hard post to write - but something is making me write it.  I need to write about my hurt cos maybe there are others out there who hurt too.  Maybe not.  I know I don't have hundreds of readers of this small insignificant blog, quite frankly I'm surprised when I do get one comment, cos really that's the only way I know that someone takes the time to browse these pages.  That's the awful catch of talking online. Is there anyone out there? If a blogger writes a sentence in the cyberspace and nobody reads it, is it really written? What if they read it and just don't respond? Different scenario but same outcome.

This week has been a truly shitty week - full of lowest of the low moments, with little rises of the rollercoaster to see the view, and the view is good, then slammmm back down again; inertia forcing you motionless.

What I am experiencing is not something new, something different, something special that has never happened to an other before; BUT it is happening to me and to my family.  What hurts though is the real life people that don't care, don't speak, don't wanna know.  I can get the online people not having the connection to reach out, but real life, breathing, asking 'how are you?' and really, you know they don't want to know people cos you see the flinching in their eyes, wishing for the 'oh fine thanks' answer.  Really, it's not even those people, at least they tried and I can truly appreciate that -  it is the ones who say nothing, do nothing.

Do you have those people too?  Do you have those people who you thought were friends, who you have spent time with, sometimes a lot of time, who you have common interests with, who you'd have bright quick conversations with, who used to include you? But now say nothing, do nothing. Who you just wish they would take 2 mins of their time to ask after you, who know the troubles you are going through and say nothing all the same? Saying nothing is the worst thing to say, yet it says so much.  Saying nothing slams you to the ground with the realisation that you don't factor in their lives, in their thinking, in their thoughts at all.

I haven't discussed the difficulties that I'm going through with many; these problems are not my own, but they are, which is how it should be. I haven't wanted to tell everyone I see about them - I don't want to be the 'kill the joyful mood' girl or 'I spill my guts every moment I can' girl but I am going through a hell of a lot and have been for at least 7 months. Have I become the Downer, the Crying Girl in the Corner, the Angry but Don't Ask?  Do you not think I want to be asked? I need to asked? You know, a hug wouldn't go astray. In fact, hugs are the best things in the world when words fail.

Writing this I am realising how selfish this is - that I'm asking others to care about me, to think of me, to reach out to me, me, me.  I don't want to be a selfish person, or a needy person, but I am reaching out cos as much as I have my loved ones, loneliness is still a killer. Stress and anxiety create such walls that are very hard to do a DIY knock-down.

I'm tired, constantly stressed, I cry in the car and I cry at home and I wipe my tears and put on my happy face and try to take pretty pictures of pretty fabrics cos really, people don't want to know. I guess I get that.  But at the moment, not knowing, not caring, not saying a word, not giving a shit is what hurts.

And it hurts like hell.

Do you hurt like hell sometimes?

Third Drawer Down

I'm being so so so good!  No fabric at all!  I'm looking but not touching..actually I'm not really looking!  A GREAT day at GJs Fabric Store, in Brunswick yesterday, sewing with my MMQG peeps - a great group - positive, friendly, generous, funny, loyal - we have a great year ahead of us, I can feel it in my bones! - BUT I am digressing.....I spent 7 hours in very close proximity of a great quilting store with oodles and oodles of tempting fabric, but I did not even look!  Okay, I had a peek, but I was strong and stayed true to my FA Pledge sisters!!

I have taken some piccies of another part of my fabric collection - vintage linen tea towels!!  I read on a FB site somewhere, someone was amazed that some 20 year olds did not recognise a Tea Towel!!!  What the?  Who would not know what a tea towel was?  There was much spluttering as you could imagine!! hehe!

I love love love collecting vintage linen for the kitchen - the softer it is the better!

The first one is a super favourite - colour, graphic print and softness '8'

Designed by Harvey Lago for Fragonard in Ireland

This one I bought from Liberty, in London - probably cos I just wanted to buy something from the store!  I thought it was fun, using a vintage teatowel 'Australia', with fabric paint design ' rock on tea time, it's cake o'clock' over the top - colour bright, softness '6'

This is also a super favourite - Welsh Language

Colour bright, softness '9'

I have a soft spot for this one as my name is Welsh!

I love this one too - made in Ulster, Ireland (which often are the best!)

It reminded me of a quilt pattern - imagine the applique you could design from this!

Just a little glimpse into what is in my third drawer down - I love to fill it with freshly laundered, smoothly ironed, pieces of textile history - history that I may not know of, but lays there, ready for use all the same :)

F.A. Do you need to join?

2014 FABRICHOLICS ANONYMOUS

I have been inspired by the lovely Jess of The Elven Garden to take stock of my stash and make a pledge and this is it!

No Fabric Buying for 6 Months

breathe in, breathe out, breathe, breathe

I am showing my stash online to show you my friends (most) of what I have and WHY I don't need to buy anymore (at this time!)

Hey, lets be real here and state upfront that searching and researching fabric for colour, design, usability, and just all out gorgeousness is a major part of my sewing hobby. Along with that searching comes wanting and along with the wanting comes purchasing and along with the purchasing comes receiving.  Oh yes, that can possibly be the best part.

But maybe, just maybe that rush of buying and holding that fabric wears off all too quick and I need to go in for more.

I. Have. Enough

(for now)

My shelves behind my sewing chair 

My stacks beside my chair

Stacks under my sewing table

Just a couple of bags of clothing fabric - a new little habit I am forming.....eek

 Now the following paragraphs I have blatently 'stolen' from Jess's blog post - some I have modified for my own purposes - not doing the Quilts for Publication thing so doesn't apply etc.....

Read it and think hard about whether you can relate - can you do it?  YES  You Can!

GOALS:

- To use the Stash I already have!

- Finish UFOs without distraction by shifting to other new beautiful fabric.

- Stop the insanity of constantly buying the latest and greatest fabric.

- Destash the fabrics that I realize I am never going to use.

FABRIC FAST RULES:

1) No fabric purchases for 6 months beginning January 1, 2014.   

2) At 6 months reevaluate status and decide whether to keep going for full year.  Evaluation July 1, 2014.

3) Create a UFO list and complete them!

4) Exceptions

• Backing: purchasing a backing to finish a quilt top is permissible.  However, attempting to use fabric in your possession for a backing is preferable.
• Books and Magazine purchases are allowed as they are not fabric.  Notions acceptable too.

If you are like us and would like to commit to not buying fabric next year, we would love the moral support. Solidarity in numbers and all that. We have a button you can grab:

 I have been so so so good .....so far - I have bought fabric but only in 2013!!!  Got in at last minute and that will do me.....I have received packages on my doorstep which the family say 'really Mum?  You couldn't last 1 minute'.....hahaha bought last year I tell them!!!  big raspberry!

One little tiny teeny weeny hiccup last week when I bought this most amazing fabric Folkloric in Talavera Garden - goes absolutely positively perfect as a backing for my Granny Squares quilt top - so this little wonder was allowed!!!!!

I am resisting well I think - and I love that my friends are helping to keep me in check - LOVE that!

As part of the pledge - I need to work through my UFOs - this can be hard, as they are UFOs for a reason, are they not?  I do need to decide if some are just not worth any more energy and maybe donate unfinished to somewhere....

Meanwhile......strength will be a motto for me this year - strength physically and emotionally; especially strengthening bonds between those who want to build and leaving aside those who only tear down. I don't want to end this post on a downer, so.......

A Very Happy 2014 I wish for you all!