Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Clinging on

Thank you to all who have contacted me - both here and elsewhere - I have responded to all I can - many have been no-reply comments so please don't feel I haven't read your words and your kindness - I have and I am really touched by it.  Really.

After a bit of encouragement I have seen my GP to help myself more - some happy pills are yet to kick in, but it takes time I'm told.

There are many of us out there - those fighting for loved ones against diseases that destroy them - if you are one, you are not alone.  Even though it feels like no-one knows it like you do, and this is probably true, there are many who are suffering too - and many who have come through the other end.  

When our first troubles began, it was like being hit by a truck - and reading literature made it worse, reading about terrible outcomes stopped me in my tracks.   Now, I am buoyed  by hearing stories of people they know who have come through very well, and I cling to those life rafts.

Can I just encourage you to let someone know you are thinking of them?  Just a simple text is all that may be needed - they are not alone, their problem is being acknowledged, another person in the world is thinking of them.  It is amazing how good it feels to receive something like that. You may be surprised how good you may feel by sending it too.

Isn't this simply beautiful?  A very clever friend made this for me awhile ago - it is so special.  
Thank you Bertie! You are a wonderful bean.

Saturday, 17 May 2014

Fair Weather

Warning! Text heavy post talking about heavy stuff - 

if you want photos of pretty fabrics, come back another day please.

This is a hard post to write - but something is making me write it.  I need to write about my hurt cos maybe there are others out there who hurt too.  Maybe not.  I know I don't have hundreds of readers of this small insignificant blog, quite frankly I'm surprised when I do get one comment, cos really that's the only way I know that someone takes the time to browse these pages.  That's the awful catch of talking online. Is there anyone out there? If a blogger writes a sentence in the cyberspace and nobody reads it, is it really written? What if they read it and just don't respond? Different scenario but same outcome.

This week has been a truly shitty week - full of lowest of the low moments, with little rises of the rollercoaster to see the view, and the view is good, then slammmm back down again; inertia forcing you motionless.

What I am experiencing is not something new, something different, something special that has never happened to an other before; BUT it is happening to me and to my family.  What hurts though is the real life people that don't care, don't speak, don't wanna know.  I can get the online people not having the connection to reach out, but real life, breathing, asking 'how are you?' and really, you know they don't want to know people cos you see the flinching in their eyes, wishing for the 'oh fine thanks' answer.  Really, it's not even those people, at least they tried and I can truly appreciate that -  it is the ones who say nothing, do nothing.

Do you have those people too?  Do you have those people who you thought were friends, who you have spent time with, sometimes a lot of time, who you have common interests with, who you'd have bright quick conversations with, who used to include you? But now say nothing, do nothing. Who you just wish they would take 2 mins of their time to ask after you, who know the troubles you are going through and say nothing all the same? Saying nothing is the worst thing to say, yet it says so much.  Saying nothing slams you to the ground with the realisation that you don't factor in their lives, in their thinking, in their thoughts at all.

I haven't discussed the difficulties that I'm going through with many; these problems are not my own, but they are, which is how it should be. I haven't wanted to tell everyone I see about them - I don't want to be the 'kill the joyful mood' girl or 'I spill my guts every moment I can' girl but I am going through a hell of a lot and have been for at least 7 months. Have I become the Downer, the Crying Girl in the Corner, the Angry but Don't Ask?  Do you not think I want to be asked? I need to asked? You know, a hug wouldn't go astray. In fact, hugs are the best things in the world when words fail.

Writing this I am realising how selfish this is - that I'm asking others to care about me, to think of me, to reach out to me, me, me.  I don't want to be a selfish person, or a needy person, but I am reaching out cos as much as I have my loved ones, loneliness is still a killer. Stress and anxiety create such walls that are very hard to do a DIY knock-down.

I'm tired, constantly stressed, I cry in the car and I cry at home and I wipe my tears and put on my happy face and try to take pretty pictures of pretty fabrics cos really, people don't want to know. I guess I get that.  But at the moment, not knowing, not caring, not saying a word, not giving a shit is what hurts.

And it hurts like hell.

Do you hurt like hell sometimes?