Saturday, 17 May 2014

Fair Weather

Warning! Text heavy post talking about heavy stuff - 

if you want photos of pretty fabrics, come back another day please.





This is a hard post to write - but something is making me write it.  I need to write about my hurt cos maybe there are others out there who hurt too.  Maybe not.  I know I don't have hundreds of readers of this small insignificant blog, quite frankly I'm surprised when I do get one comment, cos really that's the only way I know that someone takes the time to browse these pages.  That's the awful catch of talking online. Is there anyone out there? If a blogger writes a sentence in the cyberspace and nobody reads it, is it really written? What if they read it and just don't respond? Different scenario but same outcome.

This week has been a truly shitty week - full of lowest of the low moments, with little rises of the rollercoaster to see the view, and the view is good, then slammmm back down again; inertia forcing you motionless.

What I am experiencing is not something new, something different, something special that has never happened to an other before; BUT it is happening to me and to my family.  What hurts though is the real life people that don't care, don't speak, don't wanna know.  I can get the online people not having the connection to reach out, but real life, breathing, asking 'how are you?' and really, you know they don't want to know people cos you see the flinching in their eyes, wishing for the 'oh fine thanks' answer.  Really, it's not even those people, at least they tried and I can truly appreciate that -  it is the ones who say nothing, do nothing.

Do you have those people too?  Do you have those people who you thought were friends, who you have spent time with, sometimes a lot of time, who you have common interests with, who you'd have bright quick conversations with, who used to include you? But now say nothing, do nothing. Who you just wish they would take 2 mins of their time to ask after you, who know the troubles you are going through and say nothing all the same? Saying nothing is the worst thing to say, yet it says so much.  Saying nothing slams you to the ground with the realisation that you don't factor in their lives, in their thinking, in their thoughts at all.

I haven't discussed the difficulties that I'm going through with many; these problems are not my own, but they are, which is how it should be. I haven't wanted to tell everyone I see about them - I don't want to be the 'kill the joyful mood' girl or 'I spill my guts every moment I can' girl but I am going through a hell of a lot and have been for at least 7 months. Have I become the Downer, the Crying Girl in the Corner, the Angry but Don't Ask?  Do you not think I want to be asked? I need to asked? You know, a hug wouldn't go astray. In fact, hugs are the best things in the world when words fail.

Writing this I am realising how selfish this is - that I'm asking others to care about me, to think of me, to reach out to me, me, me.  I don't want to be a selfish person, or a needy person, but I am reaching out cos as much as I have my loved ones, loneliness is still a killer. Stress and anxiety create such walls that are very hard to do a DIY knock-down.

I'm tired, constantly stressed, I cry in the car and I cry at home and I wipe my tears and put on my happy face and try to take pretty pictures of pretty fabrics cos really, people don't want to know. I guess I get that.  But at the moment, not knowing, not caring, not saying a word, not giving a shit is what hurts.

And it hurts like hell.

Do you hurt like hell sometimes?




11 comments:

Katie said...

I get it -- I've actually been having many of the same thoughts recently and the ache of loneliness is something that isolates and tears at you from the inside. Friends and family get busy and forget to take notice that maybe you are going through something and need just a hug or a shoulder or even someone to listen -- not judge or necessarily respond with critique or suggestions but listen and actually care. When I sat down tonight to read blogs and think about writing one -- the rush of why bother came over me, I love checking on my online friends and notice when they aren't around for a while or something appears to have changed. So perhaps you were my reason to read rather than write tonight -- because a friend out there on the other side of the world needed to know that yes she is valued and there are people that do care and want to hear what's going on and not just the shinny parts. When I started blogging and reading blogs the ones with "real" people were the ones I was drawn to the most -- not the ones where everything always seems perfect because we both know that isn't always the case.

Kendra Watson said...

I just wanted to let you know that I had read this, there are people listening, and I am hoping that you can find someone to give you the coffee, chat, and hug in real life that I think you might need. I went through something myself a couple of years ago and while I have no idea what your going through in my own case I found that talking to someone (professional) made a massive difference. Often we try to get through things without help or feel that we need to be strong for others but I'm hoping you are able to find some comfort soon and things begin to get a little smoother for you.

Sheridan said...

Also reading and so sorry you are going through this. Please go and talk to your GP, life is way too short to feel so rotten for so long. xxxx

Issabella The Cat said...

I don't know what it is you're going through honey but I hope you find someone close that you can talk to and confide in *hugs*

Anonymous said...

London and Melbourne. Too far. Love you, big sister. Xx

pandchintz said...

Oh Bronwyn, my heart goes out to you. It's SO rotten to feel the way you do and it sounds like you need some professional help as well as friends to say hi, listen and give you hugs. Thinking of you so much, and here's a hug, a big hug, which I hope helps you feel a little better.

Miriam said...

((hugs))

Wildsimmy said...

i will send you a hug from australia too, but you have a friend in your dog who is great to talk to, and they don't give negative feed back that is why i have 3, if one walks away i go find other one, please find some comfort it the fact, that we don't kneed to look at fabric to read your blog, some time's it is good that people know that we can all have a bad moment in time, even if it last a bit longer than we think it should, so please print your words, of anger and laughter, happyness and sadness and we will read, and will have a cup of coffee with your words, and read and listen....

Alys Gagnon said...

Sending love to you and yours. I'm pulling for you, to get through this as best you can. Anytime, if you want a cuppa, I have a huge tea collection that I'll never get through on my own. I'd love to share it with you. xx

Cath said...

Oh Bronwyn. I am truly sorry that you feel so sad and low and alone. Please please speak to someone before you are completely overwhelmed. Your distress is palpable. I have not been to any MMQG functions since last year and you only know me as the beginner who loves to look at your beautiful work. I hope that when we meet again, your story will be one containing peace, clarity and even joy. Take that step to reach out to someone who can actually help and support you. Catherine Vard x

Micki @ 2 Dogs Studio said...

I want to say something that can be reassuring but not sure what that would be. I agree that sometimes a big hug really helps. To know someone cares and is interested in you. Here is me sending you a BIG HUG. Take care.